| In a retreat from my normal quasi-serious articles | | | | luck waking them up, don't be afraid to kick up |
| on housing-related issues, I present here a guide | | | | the volume a few notches. When they wake up, |
| to getting rid of your roommate. | | | | act like you're stumbling around for a story, and |
| Whether your roommate is driving you crazy | | | | then ask "Can I borrow a pencil?" |
| (check out some of the posts at our website) or | | | | 6. Get sociopathic |
| you have a best friend who wants to move in, | | | | This one's also fun. Never talk to your roommate |
| these tips can help give you ideas on how to | | | | directly. If you need to talk to him, go to a |
| eliminate that unwanted housemate. | | | | different room and call him on your cellular phone. |
| Disclaimer: don't take the suggestions in this article | | | | If he tries talking to you directly, tell your |
| seriously. The suggestions here are all for | | | | imaginary friend to tell your roommate your |
| entertainment purposes only. | | | | response. Never make eye contact with him/her. |
| 1. Mess with their head | | | | 7. True Love |
| This one's usually the most fun to implement; you | | | | Take a bunch of pictures of your roommate. |
| can let your creativity go wild. Let your | | | | Bring one of the pictures (preferably with them |
| roommate come back to your apartment and | | | | wearing as little clothing as possible) to Kinko's and |
| "catch" you watching midget porn. Even better, | | | | have them blow up the picture to as big of a |
| have a friend well-versed at video-editing | | | | banner as possible and post it above your bed. |
| software edit you into the midget porn movie. | | | | Also, keep a bottle of lube and a box of Kleenex |
| Leave issues of some questionable magazines out | | | | next to your bed. Try to cover up as much |
| in the open. Get caught rolling around in your | | | | surface area on the rest of your walls with the |
| roommate's bed wearing women's underwear (if | | | | other pictures of your roommate. |
| you're a guy). The world is really your oyster on | | | | 8. Go Single White Female |
| this one. | | | | Dye and cut your hair to the same style as your |
| 2. Scare them | | | | roommate. Get a new wardrobe that completely |
| Another classic. Let him see you reading books, | | | | matches your roommate's and make sure you |
| reading articles, and watching movies about how | | | | wear exactly what they wear that day. If they |
| to get away with murder. Buy some knives and | | | | have any kitschy phrases that they use, make |
| start stabbing some of the people in your | | | | sure you pick those up and start using them as |
| roommate's photographs. Draw bulls-eyes around | | | | often as possible. |
| his/her friends and write dates next to them. | | | | 9. Become a Nudist |
| 3. Attack their fears | | | | One day out of the blue (preferably when his/her |
| This requires some actual getting-to-know your | | | | parents or relatives are visiting), take off all of |
| roommate. Hopefully at this point in the co-living | | | | your clothes and announce that you have |
| relationship, you have some idea of their main | | | | become a nudist. Make sure to sit as close as |
| phobias. Are they afraid of animals? Why not | | | | possible to your roommate whenever you can |
| surprise them on Halloween and throw 100 rabid | | | | and rub up against him/her. Do the same with |
| squirrels on their bed? | | | | their friends. |
| 4. Be super clingy | | | | 10. Blend |
| Nothing freaks somebody out like a guy/girl who | | | | Keep a hamster and some goldfish in your living |
| is attached to their hip. Always ask where they're | | | | room. Blend a Metamucil shake every morning, |
| going when they leave the apartment and ask if | | | | saying that you need more fiber in your diet. One |
| you can tag along. If they say no, just follow | | | | day, get rid of your hamster and add a lot of |
| behind them. When the roommate gets to their | | | | ketchup into your shake. Make sure your |
| final destination, you should somehow | | | | roommate sees you drinking it and say "you had |
| "accidentally" bump into them there. | | | | a good run" while you chug the shake. The next |
| 5. Watch them while they sleep | | | | day, get rid of the goldfish and do the same. |
| This one takes some patience. While they're | | | | I can almost guarantee that after implementation |
| sleeping, just pull up a chair and sit right in front of | | | | of all 10 of these steps, you will get rid of your |
| their face. Prepare a dirty, heavy breathing sound | | | | roommate. Of course, there are millions of other |
| (think Hannibal Lecter combined with Darth Vader) | | | | ways to accomplish the same goal. Use some |
| and use it at a moderate volume. If you have no | | | | creativity and have some fun. |