| In a retreat from my normal quasi-serious | | | | them up, don't be afraid to kick up the |
| articles on housing-related issues, I present | | | | volume a few notches. When they wake up, act |
| here a guide to getting rid of your roommate. | | | | like you're stumbling around for a story, and |
| | | | then ask "Can I borrow a pencil?" |
| Whether your roommate is driving you crazy | | | | |
| (check out some of the posts at our website) | | | | 6. Get sociopathic |
| or you have a best friend who wants to move | | | | |
| in, these tips can help give you ideas on how | | | | This one's also fun. Never talk to your |
| to eliminate that unwanted housemate. | | | | roommate directly. If you need to talk to |
| | | | him, go to a different room and call him on |
| Disclaimer: don't take the suggestions in | | | | your cellular phone. If he tries talking to |
| this article seriously. The suggestions here | | | | you directly, tell your imaginary friend to |
| are all for entertainment purposes only. | | | | tell your roommate your response. Never make |
| | | | eye contact with him/her. |
| 1. Mess with their head | | | | |
| | | | 7. True Love |
| This one's usually the most fun to implement; | | | | |
| you can let your creativity go wild. Let your | | | | Take a bunch of pictures of your roommate. |
| roommate come back to your apartment and | | | | Bring one of the pictures (preferably with |
| "catch" you watching midget porn. Even | | | | them wearing as little clothing as possible) |
| better, have a friend well-versed at | | | | to Kinko's and have them blow up the picture |
| video-editing software edit you into the | | | | to as big of a banner as possible and post it |
| midget porn movie. Leave issues of some | | | | above your bed. Also, keep a bottle of lube |
| questionable magazines out in the open. Get | | | | and a box of Kleenex next to your bed. Try to |
| caught rolling around in your roommate's bed | | | | cover up as much surface area on the rest of |
| wearing women's underwear (if you're a guy). | | | | your walls with the other pictures of your |
| The world is really your oyster on this one. | | | | roommate. |
| | | | |
| 2. Scare them | | | | 8. Go Single White Female |
| | | | |
| Another classic. Let him see you reading | | | | Dye and cut your hair to the same style as |
| books, reading articles, and watching movies | | | | your roommate. Get a new wardrobe that |
| about how to get away with murder. Buy some | | | | completely matches your roommate's and make |
| knives and start stabbing some of the people | | | | sure you wear exactly what they wear that |
| in your roommate's photographs. Draw | | | | day. If they have any kitschy phrases that |
| bulls-eyes around his/her friends and write | | | | they use, make sure you pick those up and |
| dates next to them. | | | | start using them as often as possible. |
| | | | |
| 3. Attack their fears | | | | 9. Become a Nudist |
| | | | |
| This requires some actual getting-to-know | | | | One day out of the blue (preferably when his |
| your roommate. Hopefully at this point in the | | | | her parents or relatives are visiting), take |
| co-living relationship, you have some idea of | | | | off all of your clothes and announce that you |
| their main phobias. Are they afraid of | | | | have become a nudist. Make sure to sit as |
| animals? Why not surprise them on Halloween | | | | close as possible to your roommate whenever |
| and throw 100 rabid squirrels on their bed? | | | | you can and rub up against him/her. Do the |
| | | | same with their friends. |
| 4. Be super clingy | | | | |
| | | | 10. Blend |
| Nothing freaks somebody out like a guy/girl | | | | |
| who is attached to their hip. Always ask | | | | Keep a hamster and some goldfish in your |
| where they're going when they leave the | | | | living room. Blend a Metamucil shake every |
| apartment and ask if you can tag along. If | | | | morning, saying that you need more fiber in |
| they say no, just follow behind them. When | | | | your diet. One day, get rid of your hamster |
| the roommate gets to their final destination, | | | | and add a lot of ketchup into your shake. |
| you should somehow "accidentally" bump into | | | | Make sure your roommate sees you drinking it |
| them there. | | | | and say "you had a good run" while you chug |
| | | | the shake. The next day, get rid of the |
| 5. Watch them while they sleep | | | | goldfish and do the same. |
| | | | |
| This one takes some patience. While they're | | | | I can almost guarantee that after |
| sleeping, just pull up a chair and sit right | | | | implementation of all 10 of these steps, you |
| in front of their face. Prepare a dirty, | | | | will get rid of your roommate. Of course, |
| heavy breathing sound (think Hannibal Lecter | | | | there are millions of other ways to |
| combined with Darth Vader) and use it at a | | | | accomplish the same goal. Use some creativity |
| moderate volume. If you have no luck waking | | | | and have some fun. |